Bruce Wadd

As the world farewells our much loved Whitney, her Bodyguard lead partner, Kevin Costner, shared a question so many people ask underneath the surface… one that many high profile people ask, but also a deep underlying fabric in many people’s demise.

AM I GOOD ENOUGH?

It may be a question you have asked of yourself. But, like Whitney, it may be a question that has grown to become ‘the monster on the TV screen’, way larger than it should be.

Whitney, thank you for what you have given this world, the many lives you have touched.

And to you, the reader of this blog, yes you are good enough. You have something that only YOU can bring to life.

Live it.

If you don’t know what it is…

Find it.

Make that your life mission. Yes, you will be good enough, because all you have to be it the very best you!!!

All of the children, and there were seven, had been denied access to their father. Not their choice, but one of an aging man, struggling with a painful past and complications of self-medication – alcohol! In fact his medical records declared, no family on record.

It was only in the last year, with a chance meeting at a local horse race that an RSL representative, the carer of this ailing gentleman, met one of the seven children and broke the agreement of children not knowing.

The declaration came, simply, “Did you know I am caring for your father?”

Larry, the son, shocked at first, gradually allowed the excitement of a possible reunion before his ‘old man’ passed away sink into his consciousness.

The gathering wasn’t easy, definitely didn’t reach the expectations of a Hollywood reunion, but the family did get to connect briefly before the digger’s guilt and shame closed the shutters on any possible healthy relationship.

With the veteran’s passing, the family could rally, gather at his farewell, and say their words of goodbye, allowing the rejection of their patriarch to dissipate with the playing of the Last Post.

Yes, Jack had his struggles, fought his demons, lived on his own for quite a few years and rejected any sense of connection with his family, but at his dying moment hints of relationship with his offspring allowed warmth to revive and encouraged love’s revival and a dignified farewell.

My suggestion: Let someone’s passing vanquish any pain and hurt of their connection with you. It’s a choice you can make, definitely now that they’ve gone!

The retirement village rarely had farewell ceremonies but Stan was such an active part of this relatively new community. He was responsible for either instigating or supporting numerous events that helped build a true camaraderie amongst the residents.

With Stan’s departure, Dot, his more fragile and private wife, wanted to honour him by preparing a farewell that allowed his friends, drinking partners and fellow residents to say their goodbyes and thus a memorial service was organised.

With forty-five minutes of words and memories coming to a conclusion, Frank sang his signature tune, My Way, and on the spur of the moment, Stan’s son stood, took the hand of his very shy step-mother-in-law and danced intimately till its fading moment.

With hardly a dry eye the guests watched a moment, overawed by the honour given, the respect and gentleness shown between this bold couple.

My reflection: When spontaneity enters a farewell something special occurs for everyone present, a gift to be treasured forever!

She was the fourth speaker to come to the open microphone, farewelling a confirmed octogenarian bachelor. But it was the words that surprised…

“Sometimes I call him Ernie and sometimes I call him dad.”

What was she really saying?

This lady, in her late forties, explained in the next few sentences, of knowing Ernie all her life, having lost her own father to suicide during her childhood and Ernie, a neighbourhood family friend, took over as the significant male.

The roles we play in people’s lives, often those we know little about, are more important than we realise. The people we have influenced over the years, positively or negatively, has been greater than we might have imagined… let’s hope it’s been positive!

My suggestion: Leave people with smiles on their faces and warmth in their hearts!

Here’s a question for you…

When considering a farewell ceremony, a funeral or a memorial service would you lean towards a public ceremony or make it a private occasion?

What are the parameters around which would help you make a decision?

Dot was still ‘undone’, shedding many tears in the process of recounting the life of her husband of over twenty years. They had shared wonderful times together, but Stan was a very private man despite being an organizer of people. The local retirement community loved him and had several events embedded in their calendar because of Stan’s influence and energy.

Now this retiree faced a dilemma. Dot didn’t like crowds, but knew of Stan’s high profile in their village, meaning many people would want to gather and say goodbye to this special man.

So Dot nobly put her own needs to one side, thinking of her friends in the community, and began organising a local farewell to the man she and the community admired. Yes, it was public, bringing honour and healing to those missing this high profile organiser.

So, was it the correct thing to do? Or should the community just get on with life without Stan?

My thoughts: Taking the time to remember and honour a life concluded is vital, not only in the well-being of the individual, but also the health of a community!

The juxtaposition of the gentle rains falling on my roof against the profound suddenness of my mechanic’s passing reminds me of the sanctity of NOW.

Two hours of my life were invested in listening to his partner and sister share the story of Matt’s final chapter of his active life [only SIX WEEKS], from the warning signs of severe headaches and blurred vision to secondary melanomas and finally palliative care over the final days and hours of his altered existence.

To pass away at home was such a blessing, especially when surrounded by those you love. But… only days away from turning forty, the song at his farewell said it all – ‘Gone Too Soon.’

Matt, you’ve reminded me again of my need to write more profoundly, to live each day as though it is my last… and to stop ‘fiddle-farting’ around with disappointment and depression, being scared of rejection and failure.

The obvious advice for this day… get your body checked regularly for melanoma, especially if you had loads of sun exposure during your youth.

But the more profound wisdom… be real with those you love, because one day it will really, really matter! May the rains soak into my heart and bring it peace!!! Thanks, Matt… farewell!

“How do you keep doing this every day?”

When asked this question, more regularly than I first imagined as a funeral celebrant, the ego part of me wants to thump the chest and declare myself a true hero, an amazing person that can handle incredible depths and complexities of emotions.

But you and I both know there is another, and much better answer.

Before answering, though, let me turn it back to you for a moment. Honestly, how do you keep doing what you do everyday, because I don’t think I could.

If you’re a teacher, a mechanic, a full-time mum,  a real estate agent, an office worker, a high flying entrepreneur… I can only imagine what it must be like to daily show up for more, with enthusiasm, passion, interest, expertise!

But I do know I have arrived at a wonderful point in my life where I deeply enjoy what I do, the people interactions, the variety, the income… to name a few. There are many things scratching my itch, that keep me going through those challenging moments.

Do you love what you do? Is it only finances keeping you there?

Dare you think about what you really love, and how you’d really like to spend your day!

My thought: Life is way too short to be not doing what you really love. It’s part of your DNA, and the world deserves an excellent and real YOU!!!

It’s been ages since I have posted anything, even though I continue to write…

So what you can expect over the next eleven months?

A wider selection of thoughts, ideas, theories, experiences and stories in the vicinity of where life meets death. I find myself increasingly fascinated by the grief experience in humans – it is so varied and unique to each individual, but once respected, so much can be learnt from each step of the journey!

Your journey is extremely significant, and so I value sharing it together, sometimes side by side, at other times just touching for a moment and going our separate ways.

The projects I am working on for 2012 include…

• YouTube video series about different types of grief
• Website focusing on Memorial Services
• YouTube video – Ten things that make a farewell service unique
• YouTube video – Seven ways to make a funeral special

On a more personal note, to balance my work in the farewell event industry I have started a permaculture garden, on a generous friend’s plot of ground, so you may be see another blog appearing at some point sharing some of these quite different but very valuable experiences.

I look forward to sharing 2012 with you, and hopefully our paths will cross some where over the next eleven months…. journey WELL my friends!

So often the organisational gathering to prepare a farewell service is functional and objective, creating and then dotting the ‘i’s and crossing ‘t’s. Yes, this is important, but there is often a whole other process going on that I dare to talk about.

Many times I’ve found the people gathered move into a thankful and positive frame of mind through revisiting memories that often haven’t been touched for many, many years. This time of recollection has the tendency to be overshadowed by the impact of the moment’s grief, but is worth every effort when saying farewell.

How do I know it has happened? By the responses given at the close of this conversation. “Bruce,” people will regularly recount, “we haven’t talked about those things for years…” goes the comments. The warm smiles and affectionate touches, the peaceful faces and deep sighs all speak loudly of a greater preparedness for the upcoming ceremony.

From a funeral celebrant’s perspective… job done!

Of particular memory is my twenty minute private conversation with Jan and Cathy, just arrived from overseas, the mother and friend of a young man who had tragically taken other lives.The emotions were complex and difficult, but the value of the exchange, priceless, in preparation for a most challenging farewell.

As the emcee of many occasions, the tone and key elements of the service are established during the meeting beforehand. This preparation time makes all the difference!

Yes, the impact is hard to describe, but in emotional terms, this time prepares individuals [a little] for the tragedy of goodbye!

HINT: Take the time to engage in the meeting ‘before’!

The laughter was so obvious. The elderly lady was sitting, engaged in a conversation with a much younger person, sharing a hot cuppa on a cold winter’s day… but so much more was going on!

I couldn’t help asking, was it the coffee, the setting, the age difference… that made this interaction work? Or was there another element connecting these two lives?

The details of the conversation I wasn’t privy to and it really wasn’t necessary either. No, my heart was warmed by the glow between these two well-connected people. The moment was being shared, enjoyed, savoured by both participants.

My suggestion: Enjoy every interaction… it builds both lives even when it is difficult and draining at the time. Savour the moment because there may come a point where that richness will change… even disappear!